In my last module with you, something powerful happened (with no constellation set up) when I said in the group and to a few members face to face that I am ashamed. And after hugging R, she observed I was not receiving. Then you looked into my soul and asked me whether I am ashamed of how hungry for love I am. Things changed a lot from that moment, immediately. I have a different energy and people react so differently and intensely to me (in a good way). Several days in a row, many people told me I am physically changed and asked me what have I done (also in a very good way). The way I feel and react has changed. It was and is amazing and I WANT TO THANK YOU! I know that what you were helping me to heal is simply flowing and resuscitating my system, and I want to thank you and your entire system.
Since then I am simply exploring and reconnecting with my body, and the connection goes stronger and stronger. But I still need time to build this communication with my body.
I had a moment of insight when I realised my mother gave me no warmth and no security. That she didn't give me that because she didn't have it, she didn’t receive it from my grandmother, and my grandmother didn't receive it from my
great-grandmother. It is this feeling that something was broken with my great-grandmother and all we women, we are suffering generation by generation.
Immediately after realising this, a question from inside me popped up: where from do I have this warmth for my son? I am acting so unusually different from the other women in my family ... I always knew that. The answer was rising also from within me and it made me uncontrollably burst into tears: FROM MY MOTHER-IN-LAW.
In the next seconds I had an image of me moving further and further away from my mother and grandmother, like in those time-travel movies. They were fading, they were sad and ... dead, and I was also so sad (but so sad!!!!!!) but moving and moving and moving away while crying and feeling that there is no salvation for them. That this was their faith, they were guilty for nothing but this was their faith, they embrace it fully and there is nothing ever I can do for them, so I have to leave and leave them behind!!! I felt like all they did as generations was to try to redeem somebody's pain, that they transmitted only traumas to their descendants and no warmth, no love, no security. That the only thing they were actually sending was ... LIFE.
In that vision I felt huge sadness not just for me but also for them. I decided that in their honour, I had to take this life and leave ‘this place’ immediately. I was feeling like losing them forever, like disconnecting from them and continuing my path through life ... alive and alone and on my own.
At the same time, the feeling was and still is that ... I HAVE NEVER LOVED THEM MORE!!!! That maybe only now I can say I love them forever and they are forever in my heart. And that I so much honour them for giving me life in such tragic circumstances, while they were barely alive in their soul. A huge feeling of grief accompanied me for 24 hours and is even with me now, but fading ....
G. Bucharest, Romania